This ain’t a Long, Rambling Introduction™, it’s a warning…
This article lands dangerously close to both life advice and mental health advice. Which are things I don’t usually do. Not directly, anyway. I know it’s gonna make some of you uncomfy and I know some of you are gonna have opinions.
If you’re one of the folks what asked me to write this crap, know that I’m genuinely trying to give you a good answer. And know the issues herein are ones I have personal experience with. Which is why I’m willing to put this out even though I ain’t super comfortable doing so.
If you’re one of the folks what find this uncomfy, skip it. Even if you asked for it. That’s totally okay. This article ain’t fundamental to my gaming worldview or anything. Except on a personal level. You can live without it.
That said, you might find it rewarding to confront the uncomfy. That’s how you grow.
If you’re one of the folks with opinions, you’ll be dismayed to find yourself unable to share them. This article is too close to both life advice and mental health advice for me to give an open forum to any rando who can complete a Captcha.
I consider myself responsible for every word on this site. Even the ones I didn’t write. And bad life and mental health advice can do real harm. I’m willing to take responsibility for my own advice, but not anyone else’s. And over the holidays, I will not have the time to moderate this post carefully.
That said, this shit is way tamer than these warnings might suggest. But given I can’t even say that players shouldn’t be allowed to read the Monster Manual without being told to die in a fire, here we are.
Anyway… on with the show!
Game Masters Shouldn’t Be Nice
I recently put out a call for topics to cover during my seasonal year-end wind-down and personal recovery period. And a few of you flung a handful of semi-related questions that echoed ones I get a lot in my Ask Angry inbox. And they’re questions I’ve been avoiding.
See, while the issues in question definitely arise when Game Mastering, they’re not about Game Mastering and I can’t respond with Game Mastering advice. They’re about dealing with people. And, more specifically, about how to deal with people when you end up stuck in a position of authority over a social group of hobbyists. And why some folks can flounder in such a position due to their personality traits and their interpersonal skills.
Do you struggle to start your game sessions? Is it hard for you to stop your players from yammering and call your game to order? What about pulling your game back on track when your players are locked in discussion of their plans? Or when they’ve fallen out of the game and they’re joking amongst themselves? When your players interrupt your narration, does it throw you completely off your game? Do you find it hard to tell your players how your game’s gonna be? Can you, in fact, tell your players, “No”?
If you nodded to anything in that paragraph, this article’s for you. But it’s not going to be a fun read. Because what you’re struggling with isn’t really Game Mastering. It’s personal. It has to do with how you relate to people. And, to some extent, your personality.
None of this is to suggest you’re a bad or broken person or that you ain’t cut out to run games. It’s just that some personality types are better suited for Game Mastering than others. And Game Mastering relies on certain interpersonal skills. If your personality ain’t a good match for Game Mastering or if you haven’t mastered the right social skills, you can still run games — you can run great games — but it’s going to take some extra — and sometimes uncomfortable — self-work to get you there. You’re going to need to build the skills you don’t have and work around some personal weaknesses.
Hence all the warnings. Hence the closed comments. People don’t want to hear this shit.
If this ain’t what you signed up for, that’s totally fine. This is just a game about pretend elves. Feel free to check out. But if you’re okay looking in the mirror and you want some no-nonsense advice from someone who’s been there — and is still struggling — then read on, MacDuff.
Asserting Yourself for Fun and Profit
I’m going to guess that if I described you in that previous section, then you probably consider yourself to be a nice person. Or, at least, a polite person. Or, maybe, a British person. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Or so I’m told. I wouldn’t know; I’m an asshole.
You probably would not describe yourself as an assertive person. And that’s where all this shit starts.
Assertiveness is the ability to clearly communicate your wants, needs, desires, and boundaries. It comes from a belief that your own wants, needs, and desires are just as important — not more important, not less important, but equally as important — as any other person’s. And thus, they’re worthy of respect. Assertiveness is about using good communication skills to protect your self-respect.
It’s usually disrespectful to interrupt someone right? There are some times when it’s not, but it usually is. When you get interrupted, assertiveness empowers you to say, “Excuse me but I’d appreciate being allowed to finish my thought and then I will gladly listen to whatever you have to say.”
Assertiveness is you saying to the world, “I deserve to be treated with respect.”
Why is Assertiveness So Damned Hard?
On its face, assertiveness seems totally reasonable and natural. Of course, everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Of course, if you are disrespected, you have a right to speak up. And yet, many people struggle with assertiveness. Most people struggle with it. It’s hard for most people to say, “I’d like to finish speaking please.” It’s hard for most people to say, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you with your project this week; I have too many projects of my own.” It’s hard for most people to say, “I feel disrespected.” It’s hard for most people to say, “No.”
Why? Well, there are lots of reasons. As many reasons as there are people. But lots of those who struggle with assertiveness fall into one or both of two basic camps.
First is the Agreeable camp. Agreeableness is a psychological personal trait. Agreeable people value harmony and dislike interpersonal conflict. They just want everyone to get along. And highly agreeable people — because it comes in degrees — sometimes put their own needs aside just to avoid possible conflicts. Thus, a highly agreeable person might let others interrupt them because calling someone out might create strife or conflict.
That’s why I guessed that you — if you struggle with assertiveness — probably see yourself as a nice person. You’re probably pretty agreeable. You like harmony and you hate conflict.
There’s nothing wrong with agreeableness. You’re not a bad person for being agreeable. But if you are agreeable, that means that when you’re in a position in which you have to — or want to — assert yourself, you’re swimming upstream against your own personality. It takes more work. More willpower. That’s all.
Second is the Self-Respect camp. Assertiveness is born from the belief that you are worthy of respect. That your needs and wants and boundaries are at least as important as everyone else’s. If you, for whatever reason, find it difficult to see the value of your own needs, wants, and boundaries, it’s hard to assert them.
Again, there’s nothing wrong with you struggling with your self-confidence. Most people do at various times in their lives. It seems to be a normal part of the human condition. There’s some compelling research that suggests it’s natural for people to see their own needs, wants, and boundaries as less worthy than those of others. But you should also know you can overcome that. If your struggles with self-respect are leaving you unhappy most of the time, it’s something to consider addressing.
But I ain’t trying to diagnose anyone here. I ain’t qualified to do that. I just want to point out that assertiveness is a skill and it’s one many people struggle with for completely natural reasons. And that some people are predisposed to struggle with it more than others.
The Difference Between Assertive and Asshole
Many nice people shy from assertiveness because it seems mean or rude. After all, assertiveness is about making demands of others. But part of assertiveness is learning how to assert your needs, wants, and boundaries without being a dick about it. And assertiveness isn’t about putting yourself ahead of others, it’s about putting everyone — you included — on a level field. Moreover, assertiveness ain’t about demanding everyone give you everything you want just like you can’t be expected to give everyone else everything they want. Assertiveness is often a starting point for negotiation and compromise.
When you cross to assholery or when you put your own needs ahead of everyone else’s, you’re not being assertive, you’re being aggressive. And that’s no good either. Assertiveness is about walking a fine line between passivity — putting your own needs last — and aggression — demanding everyone put your needs first. That’s why it’s so hard to get right.
Basic Assertiveness Training for Game Masters
In a moment, I’m going to tie this assertiveness crap directly to Game Mastering. And I’m gonna add another piece to the puzzle. But if you’re already nodding along and thinking, “That assertiveness thing sounds pretty good; I want to get me some of that” — and if you’re an otherwise happy and healthy individual and you don’t feel the need to consider serious psychological work — here’s some quick-and-dirty habits that’ll help you build up your basic assertiveness.
At pretend elf games, obviously.
First — and foremost — practice saying, “No.” The more you say, “No” — and the more you find that people can handle polite refusal without hating you — the easier it gets. Most assertiveness trainers will tell you this habit is the most important — and the most life-changing — aspect of assertiveness. Once a week, tell someone, “No.” “No, you cannot take that broken feat.” “No, your halfling can’t ride the barbarian into battle like a warhorse.” “No, I can’t change the game to a different night this week.”
Next, practice saying, “I” instead of “You.” You’ve got to get comfortable speaking about yourself. Instead of saying, “You need to stop coming late to the game,” say, “I would like you to be on time for the game so I can start promptly.” Instead of saying, “You keep interrupting me,” say, “I need to be allowed to finish my narration before being asked questions.”
In that same vein, practice focusing on behaviors and actions instead of on people. Don’t say, “You’re becoming unreliable,” but instead say, “You were late to the last three sessions.” Don’t say, “You’re distracting the game,” but instead say, “When you joked around at the start of each combat tonight, I found it distracting and difficult to maintain the excitement of the fight.”
Practice establishing firm boundaries. Decide in advance, for example, what time you will call the game to order. Write it down if you must. “I will start the game session at 6:15 PM.” Or establish that you are not to be interrupted while narrating. “When I am narrating the game, the players are not to interrupt me.” Write that down.
Finally, decide clearly what you’re going to say before you actually say it. If possible, rehearse it in advance. Write a script for yourself. For example, you can write a script for starting your game like, “It’s 6:15 everyone. Time to start the game. Let me recap the last session…” Or write on an index card, “I would appreciate being allowed to finish my narration before being asked questions or having actions declared.”
If you take a course in assertiveness, this shit’s what they cover in the first lesson. If you do an Internet search for “assertiveness advice,” those are the bullet points in every frigging article. And, from experience, I can tell you they’re pretty good bullet points. Expect to see this crap again in True Campaign Managery.
But now, that other puzzle piece…
Authoritarianism for Fun and Profit
It’s probably clear how assertiveness can help you start your game, keep it focused, and establish expectations and boundaries. And it’s probably also clear why people who struggle with assertiveness might struggle to run games. But there’s an extra component to Game Mastering that makes this shit extra hard for folks who find assertiveness difficult.
It’s the issue of Authority
These days, suggesting on the Internet that people should have authority over others is the moral equivalent of suggesting people firebomb puppy orphanages. And that’s because people, these days, are stupid and the Internet is a machine that refines and concentrates stupidity. The Internet is basically the black tar heroin of stupidity and social media is the dirty needle everyone’s sharing.
Authority is a good, useful, and necessary thing. It can be used for evil, but so can puppies, so that’s not a good argument. Authority is how people benefit from the skills of others and also how human civilization overcomes several inborn human design flaws like the Free Rider Problem and the Diffusion of Responsibility Problem and the basic inability of many people to modulate their behavior.
An authority figure is someone skilled enough to guide others through a task and willing to take personal responsibility for the completion of that task. Without such a figure, most groups fall apart. Or flounder. Or run in circles.
I bring this up because authority is basically assertiveness amped up to eleven. When you’re in a position of authority, you must be able to assert the needs of the project or task and you must accept that the task’s needs are actually a little bit more important than the needs of any given team member.
Basically, as an authority figure, you assume the task’s needs as your own and you must then assert them over the other members of the team.
Let me focus this on Game Mastering. Everyone at the table wants the D&D game to happen. They want a fun game. But people suck at making things happen. However much Adam wants to play D&D on Friday, he might find it hard to spend Thursday leveling up his character instead of playing Avatar: The Last Pandora on his PlayStation. However much Beth might enjoy the game, she might not be able to stop herself from blurting out every dumbass joke that crosses her mind. However much Chris might want to play the game well, he might not be able to keep the rules in his head or focus enough to read an entire rulebook. And however much Danielle might want to have a D&D session, she might not be decisive enough to get everyone to settle on a day and time.
Note that this ain’t about the Game Master as a game mechanic. This ain’t about running games and adjudicating rules. It’s about the Game Master as president of the gaming club or game moderator or trustee of the group or whatever. This is about the Game Master as a manager of people. And about them accepting a position of authority over their friends.
Believe it or not, most people don’t like that idea. Most people don’t like assuming authority over others. Especially over friends and especially over a dumb game. It’s uncomfortable and burdensome. And because authority rides on assertiveness — it’s internalizing and asserting the needs of a task or team — it can be too much for people disinclined to assertiveness to begin with. Authority figures aren’t nice. They’re not agreeable. And if you sometimes struggle with your self-image, you might not think you have the right to boss other people around. Especially over something so trivial as a game about pretending to be an elf.
Real talk: I don’t feel like I should be writing this shit. I’m such a mess of insecurities some days that I still don’t believe I have the right to tell people how to have fun right. I definitely shouldn’t be digging at anyone’s interpersonal skills and mental traits. And I still struggle to thread the assertiveness needle — between passivity and aggression — myself so what qualifies me to tell anyone else how it’s done?
In the end, though, the reason I’ve got the right — the reason I should be doing it — is just that I’m willing to take on the burden. I may not be the most qualified — and I definitely suck at following my own advice — but at least I’m willing to do the job. And I try to do the best job I possibly can. And none of you are hostages. You’re only reading my shit because you choose to. You want to learn from me or you wouldn’t be here.
And that is the trick. You may not be the best person to run your group — you may not be the most qualified — but you’re willing to run it and you’re willing to try your best. Your players are there because they want the game to happen, but they’re all either unwilling or unable to take responsibility for it. You stepped up. And every time the players show up, they’re voting you into power. They’re admitting they can’t do the job and they’re looking to you to do what they can’t. And, to some extent, they expect you to lean on them. To make demands.
The Internet whackjobs who hate the idea of authority are obsessed with power. They’re the ones likely to abuse any power they’ve got. The people like you and me who are reluctant to take power? We recognize it as a burden. As a responsibility. It ain’t a prize. It ain’t fun. If you’re uncomfortable being a Game Master, you’re more qualified to run games than most. But any struggles you have with assertiveness are gonna be that much harder for it.
So what can you do…
What Can You Do?
As I said above, if you’re mostly happy and healthy and well-adjusted and nothing I’ve said has shaken you to your core, then you probably just need to tweak your assertiveness game. Those tricks and habits I shared above? They’re probably all you need. Apart from my motivational speech about how you may not be qualified to run games, but you took the job, so there’s your Divine Right of Kings.
But you might also benefit from some actual Assertiveness Training. You can take a course in real life or on a platform like Skillshare or Brilliant or Udemy or just buy a book. And many mental health professionals offer Assertiveness Training. You don’t have to have a serious problem to work with a social worker or therapist.
If this article — and some post-read mirror-gazing — left you feeling like you need to address something, then you can go beyond Assertiveness Training. If you’re not deeply unhappy or feel like there’s a serious problem, but you would like to improve, say, your self-confidence, there are courses and seminars and books for that too. Or you can look into a course or workbook on basic Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT benefits lots of people. It’s just a toolset that helps you understand the relationship between your thoughts and your actions and it helps you tweak less helpful thought patterns. It’s highly esteemed in the mental health community, it’s supported by a huge body of research, and it’s got a tremendous success rate.
If I’ve left you feeling deeply uncomfortable or unhappy and you think it’s time to explore more serious changes, then the first — and only — step is to speak with a mental health professional. And it’s easier than ever to do that. In the US, the mental health system is a little overburdened these days, but thanks to distance and online therapy options and applications, there’s help out there if you need it.
The unfortunate truth is that this ain’t really a Game Mastering thing. Assertiveness is a social skill that Game Masters need, but it’s not Game Mastering. And while I’ve obviously made a long and detailed personal study of it — and I have suggested nothing above that I don’t have personal experience with — I’m not qualified to train people in assertiveness or address specific personality traits or self-image issues.
All I can do is what I’ve already done: offer an overview of the problem, give some quick and easy advice specific to Game Mastering to those who just need a quick boost, and point everyone else to other resources.
And I can shield you from the Internet by not allowing comments. You’re welcome.